***WARNING LONG POST - Don't like it? Leave. HAHAH***
LETTING GO
Gotta admit! It's feeling good to be letting go. Some days I didn't think it would ever be able to happen, but I think over the past few weeks I've been working hard on realizing that this is what it is, and there is no point to live in the past, hurting, wondering, crying, etc. Sometimes someone you love chooses a different path and that's part of the gift of agency in each of our lives. Sure ideally we all want to control our picture perfect endings, but you know what? Now I have the chance to write a new ending. No it wont be picture perfect, but I've felt the hurt, I've let it bleed....I'm working on healing and definitely looking forward to letting go. And each day it's just a smidgie bit better. In fact yesterday while I was in therapy my therapist got the biggest grin on his face and told me how happy he was that I'm looking beyond. That he often has clients in similar situations that hold on to the pain and stop living life because they can't let go. Is that going to be me? Nope! (Although yeah there will be days that you see me ugly crying on the porch I'm sure. I mean, it's 24 years of marriage peeps! Just hand me a tissue if you please. Preferably the soft kind. Not the bulk ones that feel like sand paper. Cause let's face it the past year or so has just about aged me 1,456,674 days and my skin shows it).
Anyhow, for the past, well....hmmmm...4 months or so, the following photo has been my lock screen on my phone. It's such a great reminder to me every time I look at it to not be afraid. Sure it's scary stuff happening, and I'm still a basket of nerves not knowing how things will all shake out financially, as caring for my kids is my number 1. And I worked hard as a mom for the past 22 years and gave up things to be there for them (which I am eternally thankful for), but didn't anticipate ever that this is where I would be. So for sure it's scary. But, like my phone reminds me - Do Not Be Afraid. And since Heavenly Father is kinda in charge of things, if I listen...carefully and quietly, then I will have direction. And even if it's hard and stressful, I will know that things will work out.
For weeks I had been planning a bit of visual therapy to help me let go. I'd written a letter with my feelings regarding all that is happening. It wasn't pretty. I didn't hold back. I carried that letter around with me for WEEKS because somewhere inside of me I didn't want to let go. I had hope that I would wake up from a bad dream and my happy little forever family would be all enclosed again under one roof. The day before our scheduled mediation, I knew it wasn't going to happen. And that it was time to take that letter of alllll of the feelings of hurt, pain, anger, frustration, hope, longing, hate...and let go.
So I burned it.
And it felt good.
I then took the ashes and put them in a baggie attached to helium balloons. The idea being to send your pain to Heavenly Father. I had first learned of this technique when my dad went through a trial years ago and was sending a letter to heaven. Apparently there's something very therapeutic about the visual release and can do wonders in the healing process. I knew that the next day - with going to mediation, that I had to take the opportunity to let it work and let it go.
What happened next I didn't plan and it really kind of hurt. I sent off the balloons, and the wind current carried it right into a tree. I even have a video of it somewhere because I wanted it to watch again, and again, when times of letting go become hard. I still haven't watched it. Because it hurt that my balloons didn't go to Heaven. What did that mean? That I'm still supposed to hold on? I cried. And then cried some more. And then felt such a peacefulness come over me as I remembered the first time that my dad tried this visual release therapy, the balloons that HE was sending to heaven also got caught in a tree. I know it sounds crazy but right then and there I saw my balloons, which are STILL stuck in the tree, as a sign that my dear daddy is here with me. Walking with me through this journey every step. The tears stopped and I got the biggest grin on my face. And even now when I park at the place where I let the balloons go, to go running, I see them and smile. Because dad is with me.
The next day was mediation. SCARY SHIZ people. But I listened to my heart and decided that I needed to seek out the attorney route for this divorce. Never in a gajillion zillion years did I imagine that *I* would be the one filing for divorce. But I know me. I'm a worrier. I'm not super smart. Big people stuff, (and even 4th grade math), hurts my brain so much that I knew I needed to have someone help me through this process that knows exactly what they are doing. No I'm not out to become the monsterous, ex-wife. I just need someone to hold my hand through this so that I don't look back down the road and find more sadness with this division than my heart already does.
When I got home it was another one of those mini miracles. My yard is waking up and coming to life. For any of you that know me you know that flowers are my passion. Like the NUMBER ONE most amazing thing on the planet outside of the stuff that really matters. I turned to gardening as therapy when my dad died. I still crave it. And would live my life, barefoot in my dirt, alllll the days if I could be an adult that didn't have to be responsible. :)
The mini miracle though is my daffodils have started opening. And guess what. They are dads favorite flower.
Dad, I can't look at them without thinking of you. :D
NEW LIFE
So I've read several times that starting new traditions is the best thing for a divided family. No more living in the past of wonderful memories, but holding them in the place that is healthy, AND creating new memories which will build the foundation of wonderful years to come. So we kicked things off with St. Patrick's Day.
I was so thankful that I happened to have the kids that evening. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!
It was a crazy, crazy day between work and everything else, so my plans for a nice traditional Irish meal turned in to my free large pizzas from Tenny's that I forgot that I had punch cards for.
Hey...Italy is close to Ireland, Ish. Right? Roll with it baby.
I totally forgot about wearing green for myself so fixed that the moment that I got home from work, and then got planning the party. (Last minute...sometimes that's just how life works!)
First we went to the park and played and played and played. They're kinda fun little twerps and I'm glad they aren't embarrassed to have their momma playing with them. The best part at the park? Trying to take a group selfie on this tilting platform thing that we were all about to fall off of. (Oh and note Shelby...she's my new daughter living with us. Another mini miracle).
After the park we went home and played 7 or 8 minute to win it type games. The highlight? Throwing puffy cheetos at each other, trying to create "leprechaun beards." Giggles O'Plenty indeed.
Oh and then our evenin' O' fun ended up with an original mini film by Tessa. I couldn't stop laughing.
The following morning me and my favorite shortest peep went for a run. I'm signed up for a series of races and I'm determined to do things for me. Things I love. To not get lost in the stress of single mom life. My guy wanted to go with me. Knowing I would have to run 4 miles I wasn't entirely sure how it would work out. But I also knew I had to work that afternoon so we went with it. And it was AWESOME. My 5th run of the season, (maybe 4th), and I barely walked. Sure I am slow as mud, but who cares! I'm doing it! And I had a short guy roller blading by me who was helping to push me along. And we did it. With smiles.
Anyone that knows me knows how important it is after a run to hydrate with some Diet Dr. Pepper. So we hit the gas station and got a drink. In the parking lot there was a group of bikers (like the manly kind...not the exercise kind). Matthew got the biggest grin and said MOM LOOK!!! I looked over and said "OH MY GOSH IT'S THE DEVIL." He giggled and we tried to stalker take a photo but it didn't work. We got our drink and headed down the road then I asked him if he wanted to have a photo with the Devil (whom was actually an incredibly nice man). Chuzz giggled and said nooooo. Then a second later...Well, yeah. Old mom would have been like not even one to ask Chuzz if he wanted a photo. But the new me that is emerging said "All right...lets do it!" (So not me! I'm kinda shy to be honest!) So we turned around and caught the Devil in the nick of time and he was soooo kind to take some time with my boy.
MINI MIRACLES
So I love how I can look back and see Heavenly Fathers hand in my life. It's kinda crazy how my jobs that I've had to get to help supplement life have literally worked out for me with so little stress. AND my second job literally came to me. AND it's associated with FLOWERS! Are you kidding me? A job, with flowers that CAME TO ME? Sure it pays like crap, but I love it. And it will help compensate in the summer when I'm not working my other job because there's no school. No school, no computer lab, no pay.
Oh and I'm telling you peeps. For the most part delivering flowers to people is such a joy! Especially to the people that have ZERO clue that someone is thinking about them. Being able to witness the look of surprise on their faces when I hand over the beauty is something that I deeply cherish and see as a huge blessing in my life.
Another mini miracle is how much weight I've lost! And holy cow...not from eating healthy either. LOL! I know I need to be more conscious about what I put into my body. I guess the boosted adrenaline is working for me or something. Just glad to know I'm not an emotional eater. Kinda swell when I also fit into a brand new pair of pixie pants from Old Navy that I bought last year and couldn't even fit over my behind. Mini miracles indeed!
GETTING STRONGER
I ordered myself a kickass 70# punching bag and my kind (what do you even call him - father of my children), hung it in my basement for me. It's been so good for me and the boys to take our frustrations out on. And I kinda like what it's doing to my arms.
Every day I become stronger inside. And out. And it's exciting to think of the me that is emerging and where I will be in a year.
Oh and speaking of getting stronger, following an amazing therapy session (like seriously, mine and the boys' therapist is AMAZING), we had a mom and son date to our favorite mexican place, El Mexiquense, and ate tongue tacos. Kind of crazy how a therapist remembering a boy loves Takis and buys him a bag turns into talk of tongue tacos and how we should try them! Getting stronger? I think so. :)
Yet, somehow I wasn't strong enough to eat the super taste-buddy pieces. Maybe next year. ;)
And, well....just cause...who doesn't want to end a HUGE long blog post seeing a video of my boys rockin' their parkour class last night.
Until next time people.....
Be Strong 17
You are simply amazing, Kristy! The grace you emit through your words shows such strength and courage.
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