Come What May, and Love it.

So the past few weeks weeks since I have decided to share my words with the world again, I have been focusing on LDS Conference Talks and how these modern day teachings from our LDS church leaders can be applied to my life.  And I love it.  I love finding little nuggets of inspiration which sooooo directly pertain to me.  It's kind of like when you go to the thrift store and find a darling skirt that has been sitting around for awhile collecting dust.  Maybe months, maybe even years, but is such a perfect fit for you that you thank the journey of life, that what you have found has crossed your path at the perfect time to enrich and bless it in ways that you never thought possible.  (Yes...I really have found those perfect skirts!  For a dollar even!)

Last night I happened across the talk Come What May, and Love It by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin.  This talk has been collecting dust in the interwebs shelves of my life since the October conference of 2008.  And I found it at just the right time to bless my life.

Seriously.  It's like the perfect blending of wrinkle free cotton, flowy knee length, pink floral skirt in my life.

Come What May, and LOVE IT!

Whaaaaat?  Love the bizareness that has been encompassing my life for almost a year?  Really?  Love the hurt, heart ache, tears and triumphs (ok, the triumphs are decent).  The anger, hate, the days where you literally don't know how you put one foot in front of the other?  The reflection and sorrow of your own choices that obviously have shaped the course of your life in to what it is today?

Love it?  What?

Is that easy?

Freaking NO WAY!  In fact Elder Wirthlin says "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow?  We can't - at least not in the moment." AHHHHH THANK YOU!  If there is one thing I've learned over the past year is  how. very. important. it. is. to. feel. your. feels.  Don't bury them.  Don't slap a bandaid on them. Don't sweep them under the rug and pretend that everything is peachy, because guess what....one day, maybe even years later those resentful feelings and feelings of pain will surface up to the top and BAM - they can set your life on a course that you never anticipated.

However, we all have the ability to react to those times of adversity in a healthy way, and how we react to them will play a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.  Am I perfect at mastering this?  Ummmmm....NO.  Am I even close?  I wish!  Am I working harder every day?  Youbetcha.  And do you know what?  Most weeks, there are days where I can look back and see the tiny miracles in the trials of life.

I was taking time today to write out my miracles.  Here is what I recognize.

1 - I KNOW Heavenly Father loves me.  KNOWS me.  KNOWS my pain and is carrying me in His loving arms.

2 - I have come to learn so much more about myself.  Good things.  That I can do hard things.  That I can fight to see the positive in hard situations.

3 - That my testimony is flourishing.  Where before I was so timid in sharing my feelings surrounding my testimony I am not afraid to share it now.  I’m not afraid to sit with my kids often and apply our real life hurts to the Gospel.  Granted the boys don’t love it, but I’m hoping that somehow they are soaking s soaking up what we talk about to pull from at a time down the road.

4 - That one day I know I will be able to look back and see that this experience has been the greatest blessing of my life.  While I know if two people work hard in a relationship, and choose love and forgiveness, that God will bless them, but sometimes life just doesn't go as planned. And that God DOES have the backup plan for me. Plan A heartbreakingly didn't work, but thankfully there are 25 more letters in the alphabet! (Hopefully Heavenly Fathers plan will end at plan B!)

5 - I have developed a far deeper love and concern and caring for all of you kids than I ever imagined.  I think I allowed Tracey to “care” for me for so long with my depression following the birth of our youngest, that I let him do a bulk of the parenting and I allowed myself to not be as connected with my kids as I could have been.  Rather than retreating to bed through this trial, I have had to be strong, show up and be there for the kids.  And it feels good to know that I CAN do it.

Miracles? Indeed.

Elder Wirthlin states: "Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome."

OVERCOME PAIN? SADNESS? GRIEF? SORROW? ......YESSSSS! And do you know what else it has done? It has allowed me to really focus on refining my direction back to Heavenly Father. To not give up on the things I know and believe. To have faith that He is lovingly carrying me through this hard time.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way."

Is this happening right now? Nope. But I know one day I will see the beautiful rainbow. I will see that this trial is part of shaping the person that I am to become.

My favorite quote from the talk is "every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Have I had a lot of tears. More than I care to admit to. And I know more will come. And thinking of each one of those being returned a hundredfold with gratitude and rejoicing one day, truly brings me peace.