I am Alma *and* Amulek

Sunday at church was one of those great days.  The boy that hates church didn't complain too much - because I gave him free reign of a fine tip sharpie marker and his hand as a canvas, AND it was one of those lessons in Relief Society that was super spot on for me.

Let me back up a bit and say that since the birth of our youngest child, I've been in some funky deep depression.  Getting by as well as I can.  But church has NOT been somewhere that I have found to bring peace to my soul.  So often in my depressive state I would leave feeling worthless, not good enough, substandard, completely imperfect and hopeless at the thought of becoming the person that God knows I have the potential of becoming.

And guess what. I am imperfect.  We all are.  And those imperfections allowed me to believe the other things about myself.  And they are not true.

The talk that our Relief Society lesson was based on yesterday was titled "Learn from Alma and Amulek" which was given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the Priesthood session of General Conference, October 2016.  And it was amazing.

As I listened to the lesson I realized that I have been both Alma and Amulek at times in my life. (They are Book of Mormon Heroes!  Check them out!)  It's kind of hard to even diagnose how these times have arisen in my life, and I realize the degree of my waywardness is so incredibly minor as to what I *could* have done, But needless to say, for many years I spent wandering in the mist.  Not flat out joining the people of the great and spacious building but also not holding tight to the iron rod.

I get that this is totally normal for most people.  Believe me.  I still live it every day - unless I am actively striving to take that deliberate step forward in a positive direction.  But there's a little added piece to all of this that is something that is keeping me on track moving forward.  Cause guess what.  I promised Heavenly Father that I would do all within my power to be an example to others in this life.  I really did!  And that is something that I hope each day as I move forward that I can continue to fulfill.

So let's back up to almost a year ago exactly.  I was so happy.  At perfect peace in my relationship with my husband.  Finding ways of doing service for others.  Loving my church calling.  Seeking truth of the gospel for myself, so that I could share with others with sureness of my feelings of the church.  My testimony has always been a little round about.  For those of you that know the workings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, you know about Patriarchal Blessings.  I love mine.  It's one of the dearest possessions that I have.  I have seen MANY of the promises come to pass, and not just "cookie cutter" promises either.  And I know I have great works ahead of me.

Anyhow, because of my sure knowledge of my Patriarchal Blessing, I know that the power of the Priesthood is true.  And if that's true then Joseph Smith must have been a true prophet, and I have always been able to track my testimony back that way.  Sure I have questions about some early church history shenanigans but I am also realizing more and more that WE ARE ALL HUMAN!  ALLLLL of us make dumb mistakes.  We are here to learn, and if we don't use our gift of agency to figure this stuff out we will never become the potential that God sees in us.

So back to Alma and Amulek.  Last year I *was* a combination of those two.  In March of last year I had an experience that rocked my world.  I thought it was the lowest point that my life would ever encounter.  (Amazing how they can keep being topped!)  But I also am so thankful for what happened because it was the dawn of the true transformation of the person I am becoming today.

While over the next few months I wasn't actively out leading the members of the church or others astray from the teachings, I was questioning liberally.  And rather than leaning on the sure knowledge of the truthfulness of my Patriarchal Blessing I got deeper and deeper into questioning.  Reading things.  Trying to justify my feelings of questioning over the years.

But like Amulek, even though I had grown cold, God was preparing me.  And from my newest lowest point of my life this past fall, I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father than every before.  I have such a sure testimony of his love of each and every one of us.  ALL of us.  And guess what guys - I'm back to share that with anyone that takes the time to read.  I want to be like Amulek.  I want to be a champion of truth!

I have been so humbled over the past three months as I have found myself coming to a place of vulnerability and asking not only Heavenly Father for help but those around me.  Holy cow people...I would not be where I am today if I did not have the little "support twigs" from each and every one of you.

God is so aware of me.  I had repeated confirmation of this TWICE on Monday.  My sweet visiting teacher came over and the message was on Christ's Atonement Is Evidence of Gods Love. Now I gotta admit.  I was blessed to get to hand pick my Visiting Teacher, but my Heavenly Father told me she was the one to serve me so I listened and I asked.  I'm glad I listened.  It's so comforting to have the love and guidance from a woman that could literally be my mother.  Thank you Heavenly Father for her.

Then that evening as we were enjoying Family Home Evening with our FHE neighbors, the 14 year old boy that prepared the lesson - who knows NOTHING about the experiences in life I'm growing from based his lesson on the talk The Master Healer by Carole M. Stephens.  Yeah.  Seriously guys...GOD KNOWS US. (Seriously like woah.  Three things exactly for me in just over 24 hours!)  Of course I sat there tears streaming and yet feeling so loved.  When you rely on Him.  YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.  Freals.

Opening myself to that vulnerability has blessed my life.  I have had beautiful conversations with my kids surrounding the Atonement.  No way two years ago I would have felt comfortable or confident sitting down with my kids having a "real" questioning session of understanding the atonement.  I love that I have my returned missionary to talk with.  I love that she is so loving and understanding and kind to help explain things to me in ways that maybe only those that have immersed themselves in the teachings of Christ for months on end could do. It's not easy to be vulnerable.  But I know I wont regret it either. I wont regret these moments with my children.  Ever.

So the talk by President Uchdorf goes on to talk about finding Amuleks.  Seek to find those who are "unassuming or even invisible within your congregations.  It may be someone who *seems* unwilling or unable to serve.  Your Amuleks may be young or old, men or women, inexperienced, tired or not active in the Church.  But what may not be seen at first sight is that they are hoping to hear from you the worlds 'The Lord needs you!  I need you!'"

I know I am in no way in tune enough to be the Alma seeking out the Amuleks in my life, but I hope to get there.

Even if you have made stupid mistakes, guess what!  There is hope!  There is the wonderful and loving and full encompassing Atonement of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

In the beautiful words of President Uchtdorf, "The Lord sees in you what He saw in Amulek - The potential of a valiant servant with an important work to do and with a testimony to share.  There is service that no one else can give in quite the same way."

I love that I have naturally been given a gift to see the goodness in others.  I've been blessed with that my entire life.  Granted there are some people along the way that it's SUPER hard to do that with.  When they are those that are closest to you and have made choices that affect your life in a painful way.  But that's where I pray every day to be the full potential that God knows I can be. And I pray for them...even the ones that are REALLY icky in my life, because I believe that is how Christ would want me to be.  And I will be a more beautiful person inside of my heart if I can learn to let go of the yuck.

Friends - I am so thankful that I never completely forgot of my testimony of the gospel.  I so look forward to learning more and more and becoming the Daughter of God that I know is inside and so many times I forget really lives in there.

And you?  Each of all y'alls....you are divine so don't forget it!