Will I Know Him?

My New Testimony of Easter

Wow.  I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I've written!  Crazy how time flies and how easy it is to let go of writing when there's a whole lotta life crap you're trying to wrap up so you can move on.

I couldn't let my experience of last night go by without writing about it.  I don't ever want to forget the feelings that I had.  Ever.

So I love Easter.  It's even a bit more meaningful to me now as 4 Easter Sundays ago, my dad gathered all of us children and grand children around him and we discussed his long term physical suffering.  We all gave him our blessing to let go of this mortal life and to find peace in the next.  I will never forget that Easter as it truly brought to light the meaning of The Atonement and the blessing that we have been given to be with our loved ones forever. Even looking at this photo now I am moved to tears as I miss my dad terribly.  I miss his wisdom.  I miss the love he proclaimed for my mother without abandon.  I miss the joy on his face at spending time with his Grandchildren.  I miss him calling me names with the most amazing teasing love that only a dad can possess.  And I greatly miss his unwavering testimony of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Last night I was blessed to be able to go and see the community performance of Rob Gardner's sacred work: Lamb of God.  If you haven't heard or seen this production it is well worth spending some time on YouTube to listen to it and I would highly recommend purchasing the CD to listen to. 

I think as we experience new things in life we find ourselves vulnerable to experiencing what we have known for years in a new light.  That happened to me last night as I sat amongst every missionary in the Utah Provo Mission and their investigators in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints.  The spirit was absolutely incredible.  And I thank my Father in Heaven for making it possible for me to be able to attend.  I was not expecting the experience I had and I will forever be grateful. 

It's easy to focus on The Atonement of Christ.  The sacrifice that he made for each of us.  The light and the resurrection.  This video was used during portions of the performance and brought the spirit even more to the evening. 

For the first time in my life I was profoundly affected by the pain that the Apostle Peter must have felt at the denial of Christ.

As the song Peter's Denial was being performed I could not stop the tears.  Almost to the point of being an ugly crier.  Thank heaven it was dark.

I guess I kind of related in that moment to Peter.  A wonderful man.  Someone who KNEW our Lord and Savior.  Who walked with him daily.  Who was a good person.  Righteous.  Sure of the way and the light, and yet he made a mistake.

I don't think he intended to deny his knowledge of Christ.  Especially knowing that he may possibly be the one that would deny Christ thrice before the cock crew.  And yet, he did.

It makes me cry even as I type to think of how this has been me, on many occasions in my life.  Do I know Christ and His love and His gift of the Atonement?  Yes.  Without a doubt.  And do I know these things in my heart and find myself making choices that I know are not in accordance with Him. Yes.  Even at those times in my life where I have been so certain and have felt so strong and have been "walking with Christ" in my daily life, I have still made mistakes.  And it hurts.  But then it makes me appreciate Him and his sacrifice even more.  And this year I am so thankful for Peter.  One of The Lord's choicest, and he too made mistakes.  We are all imperfect.  But what is important is that we not dwell on those imperfections and let the shame consume us, but realize that Christ and our Father are there for us.  They are carrying us.  We must simply let go of our human weakness and turn to them.

Another piece of the Easter story that really impacted me last night was the experience of Mary Magdeline.  Another person who knew Christ with her whole heart.  And yet, she did not recognize him when she went to the tomb, but assumed him to be a gardener.

Again, sitting there with the tears streaming down my face as I listened to the performance of Mary Magdeline, I wondered to myself, if He were to walk up to me today, would I know Him?

There are choices in every day.  Choices which will bring us closer to Him or further away from Him.
I came across this talk awhile ago, by Elder Russell M. Nelson, titled Decisions for Eternity.  Each day we are given the gift of choosing the direction on our earthly journey, as to where we want to go. Its not always easy.  But knowing that He is there and cheering us on and loving us infinitely, despite our imperfections brings great hope.

As the performance concluded with a song titled Here is Hope I looked down at my wrist.  When I got this tattoo last summer it was to signify holding on to hope that my family would stay intact, and to never let go of holding on to that hope.  While that didn't end up how I had hoped, this symbol of hope took on significant new meaning for me.  That Christ is Hope.

For any of you that struggle with choices you are currently making, have made and even those "Peter" moments of the future, don't let go of hope.  We have been given the greatest gift.  And not one of us are too far gone to be out of reach of His love and blessings.

I know that Christ lives.  I know that he paid the ultimate price for each and every one of us.  For our sins.  For our pain.  So that we can be with Him and our loved ones again.

I am so thankful for this blessing in my life, and as I grow older it becomes more and more evident to me of His love for each of us.  

I pray that I can avoid the Peter moments in my life and that when He returns again that I will know Him.