Being Thankful for the Rain

I woke up today feeling thankful.  Tired (since I haven't been sleeping well and got up at 4:30 am), but thankful.

I've been reflecting the last little while on how grateful I am that I can see the learning experiences I have been granted this past year as gifts.

And then I got to work and was sifting through my TimeHop to see what happened in my past and - BAM - ONE YEAR ago this very day, the Mr. asked me for a divorce.

Why do I know this?  Because it was on the same day that I got my beautiful butterfly tattoo.

Woah.

I knew the "anniversary" was coming, but I was choosing not to focus on the pain associated with that day, so it was kind of a weird feeling to realize that it was 365 rotations around the sun ago, that my world fell apart.

Or did it?

Truth be told I am thankful for the rain.  Sure I wasn't always.  And there will be days that I want to punch something (preferably my punching bag in the basement), but overall, I think I want to pull out a pretty pink umbrella with either different shades of Peonies covering it, OR white polka dots, and throw on some pink rain boots and do a little dance in the rain, because if the events of this past year did not present themselves to me, then I think I might still be stuck in a mode of life that isn't exactly living, but enduring.

I decided to find a talk to read on thankfulness and I randomly picked the perfect talk by President Dieter Uchtdorf, titled Grateful in Any Circumstances.

Woahhh - talk about going along the lines precisely with what I have been reflecting upon in my pretty pink rainboots!

He opens the talk by talking about how we as mortals, often have grief around what appears to be an ending in our lives.

Oh you had better believe that I have had my heart wrenching, ugly crying, super bad cursing (you know that "F" word, yeah, I do too! 😏 ), crawl in bed and ignore every living thing on the planet days, when I think about the ending of 24 years of marriage.

But as time has marched on, I have had a glorious transition to see the rain as a gift.  I mean when else will I be able to splash around in pretty pink rain boots?  (FYI - I don't really have any.  But now they are on my list!)

Last week as I was attending BYU Women's Conference, I seemed to choose all of my sessions based around finding the blessings in the pain.

One of my favorite sessions, a woman talked about her journey to becoming a "Forgiveness Fanatic".  She shared her story of her ex-husbands betrayal with a friend and how she was an ugly, yucky and bitter person for a long time.  And then through her journey she found peace and comfort through the Atonement of our Lord and Savior, and how when the time came many years later, that her friend wished to meet her to ask for her forgiveness in person, she was able to embrace her friend with loving arms and tell her that it was ok.

Yeah.  I cried.  I want to be that forgiving person.  I want to let go of allllll of the sticky dark and icky ick in my heart.  And I think I'm doing pretty ok.  Sure I held on to that sludge for awhile, but I didn't like the "me" I was being.  I didn't like the sadness behind the blue eyes.  I didn't like my missing smile.  I didn't like feeling like a walking wounded.

So through the Grace of God, sometimes pretty persistent determination, and even sometimes a whole lot of faking it until I was making it, I fought back to the icky-sticky darkness.

And today I am thankful, for allll of the hard.

President Uchtdorf says in his talk, "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation?  In other words, I'm suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances-whatever they may be."

Guess what friends..

THE CHOICE IS OURS!

Yeah.  I know there will be some pretty tough times coming up.  Especially as I adjust to the financial woes of divorce, but as long as I have my kids, my family, my home, my wonderful friends,  the support of their father and most importantly my focus on God it's going to be A-OK.

"When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation.  In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise.  In pain, we can glory in Christ's Atonement.  In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven's embrace."

I know that one day all of my tears will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy.  Let's face it.  They have already.  It's just being willing to recognize it.

President Uchtdorf then concludes his talk with how we are not made for endings.

Got that right baby.

Just because my marriage is over, it is not the end of my life.

In fact it is the doorway to the beginning in ways.

I was sitting in therapy yesterday discussing this idea and I told Ryan something I had learned from another friend just a few days before. "Things don't always happen for a reason, that's just silly.  But if we are humble we can always find purpose in the experiences that we are provided with."  I kinda felt like he should have been paying me at that moment. :)  He said "WOW! That's great!  I hadn't ever heard it put that way before."  (You're welcome Ryan, that will be $90 thank you).

I have found purpose.

I will not live in sorrow.

I will count my blessings big and small.

I will strive to live with integrity and be responsible for my actions.

A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues and I truly hope to nurture those virtues within myself.

One of the greatest tools to a thankful heart that I have found is to truly count the little blessings.

^^^Totally thankful for these peeps^^^

Here is my list of 25 simple things for today:

1. I have my boys back home.  
2. They all recognize more happiness in their lives.
3. I have been told repeatedly by many different people that I am "radiant" and look so happy.
4. I have pretty purple toe polish.
5. My yard is bursting with spring blossoms.
6. I was told just this morning by a young man that I look very nice today.
7. My coworkers are FAB.  
8. I have lovely friends.  Very lovely.  Both near aaaannd half way around the world. 
9. That it's nearly Mother's Day which means my Skype call with Sarah!!!
10. That I am not an emotional eater and have lost quite a bit of weight during this adventure.
11. That I may be able to take a nap between jobs today, since getting up at 4:30 is hard!
12. I have pretty "Russet River" lips today. (Yeah...I have a lipstick thing).
13. My hair actually does look pretty 👍 today.  Even if it is super gray and crazy wild!
14. It's sunny outside.  And warm.  Which if I choose to run instead of nap, will help to diminish my winter white!
15. I get to have my Tessa with me during her lunch today. 
16. I will smell and admire many beautiful flowers this evening at work. 
17. I have a cold Diet Dr. Pepper by me. 
18. My girls are top notch at helping out with the boys, especially during this busy pre-mothers day flower madness, work week.
19. I am actually kinda back on pretty friendly terms with my Ex. 
20. I am listening to music at work.  Music makes me happy.
21. I have one of the most amazing, kick ass neighbors in the world.  Jennie...I love your guts woman. 
22. That the LDS church severed ties with the Varsity Scouting program.  (No.  Seriously.  I'm giddy over this.  One less thing to feel mommy guilt over not accomplishing effectively!)
23. There are only 32 more days until I go see my bestie in Wisconsin, and eat cheese.  Lots and lots of cheese. 
24. I have a coconut oil bubble bath calling my name tonight, after a loooooong day of work.
25. I am the daughter of a very LOVING, and kind and forgiving Heavenly Father. 

My challenge to anyone that is crazy enough to read this: Throw on your pretty pink rain boots and ENJOY THE RAIN!

 

Anniversaries

Woah.  I can't believe it's been a year.  One full year since I took this photo.  And I knew the anniversary was coming up too.  And it's kinda been giving me a whole spectrum of emotions from the squirly "I wanna puke" tummy feelings, to feelings of empowerment.

So yeah.  I'm going to talk about it a little bit.

To me this photo represents the anniversary of what I felt at the time was the gateway to my world "falling apart."  When I came home from my trip to Wisconsin I sensed something was not sitting quite right, and even now when I look at this photo, (which I believe is the last one I took of the two of us together), it kinda takes my breath away.  And not in a good "oh my gosh, he just kissed me and that was so amazing!", take my breath kinda way.  More of a "oh S*** that was a wild year" kinda way.

However, I also see this photo and this day as a huge landmark in my life, and the beginning of a lifelong journey of becoming the person I truly want to become.  I see this anniversary as an opportunity that was presented to me to dig deep and become more solid than I have ever previously been, with who I am.

Just yesterday I was reading from my book The Language of Letting Go about "Solving Problems."  Melody Beattie writes "Many of us still fear problems.  We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it.  We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift.  Problems are a part of life.  So are solutions."

When I read that I paused for a minute to think about my past year.  Yeah.  There have been sooo many problems.  And a me in my former life would have curled up in bed and ignored the universe. But I didn't.

People sometimes don't believe in rock bottoms.  I know some of those who should have been closest to me didn't.  But I'm here to tell you, they are legit.

I hit my rock bottom.  And it wasn't pretty.  And I knew if I didn't make some serious changes, and dig deep to become the person that I want to be, that I would never get out of bed.  So the metamorphosis began.  And guess what.  I *AM* thankful for this gift.

Sure some days it sucks.  And some days I do retreat.  And some days I do still curl up in bed.  But only for a little bit. And some days I cry and wish for my family to be intact, and wonder why choices were made the way they were and why healing under one roof couldn't be chosen and worked toward. And then I brush  myself off and realize that there is a life that is too short to wallow in self pity and to live in the "should haves and what if's" of the past.  Because the truth is there's a pretty good life out there.  That is worth smiling at.  And connecting with.  And living as fully as possible.

I've worked hard at becoming ok with who I am.  And asking myself what I need to do to stay there.  I have managed to remove the bandaid of big pharma meds, and am completely medication free.  I even sleep (mostly) at night with the aide of a little melatonin and nothing more.  This is big stuff for me people.  10+ years on all sorts of meds to help me "function."  No more.  I'm getting to the root.  And it feels good.

It's a journey that I still would not have chosen, but since it happened, I am choosing to see the positive. In the words of Melody Beattie it's time to set my own course.  She writes: "We can set goals and direction in our life.  We can place value on ourselves.  We can own our power with people.  Think about what you want.  We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us." As well as "God, help me face and solve my problems today.  Help me do my part and let the rest go."

I like who I am so much more.  And it really is kinda exciting to think about what kind of butterfly I am going to become.  I think she is going to be super radiant indeed.