BRAIN SMOOSH

You know, I realized this morning that my brain feels like a huge bowl of cat food pate.  And I don't like it.  In fact it's a little frightening how hard it is becoming for me to remember things.  I've done enough researching to know that this is a common side effect of severe stress and so I have hope that one day I wont be carrying around a huge buffet of meals for my two fur girls right inside of my noggin.  I'm ready to have my nice sausage casing brain back, because this is so frustrating living like this. And I know it's understandable.  And I know that as I take time to emotionally process the past few months and that as I make peace with these feelings it will become better. In this regard, unlike the lines around my eyes, time will be my friend.

For now, the pate prevails.  Yesterday I was picking up my dear boys from school and Matthew informed me that he is Star Student of the Week?  WHAT?!?  Yeah.  I probably signed up for this at the beginning of the school year, and I bet there is even a lovely reminder note in his backpack from his amazing teacher, that probably came home last Friday.  But I've been on sheer survival mode.  Just trying to process my life one day at a time.  So I didn't see that note.  I totally had zero clue that my sweet boy is the star of the week.  And it hurts knowing that for the first year ever, I didn't make his fun poster telling about his great characteristics and favorites. But my awesome neighbor who happens to be his teacher took care of that at school.  And all was not lost because at least he reminded me on Thursday after school that he can take a treat to share with his friends today.

So the "super mom" that I am (note sarcasm), headed off to the lovely Walmart to get him a treat. And I forgot!!!  I was so sidetracked by remembering to get keys cut for my "new daughter" that I forgot I was also getting treats.  Oh and I still don't have keys.  The machine was broken.  WHAT?!?  Lame.  (But a huge shout out to Tracey who cleaned up my forgetfulness and got treats this morning since by the time I realized I had 15 minutes to get to work, so a trip to the store wasn't going to happen.  Thank you Tracey).

Needless to say, just like in the photo of the lovely cat food, there were juices that spilled over.  And I cried.

Stress!  As much as I take care to deep breathe and validate my emotions, it is still encompassing my life.  Understandably so.  I have not had months on my end to process the end of my marriage.  I am terrified of what the future holds.  Do I have to sell the house?  Do I have to work full time?  Will I be sacrificing anything at all for my kids, if they have to begin caring completely for themselves on days they are off school when this is something they've never experienced?  Especially at such a trying time of figuring out teenage life as well as adjusting to the new world of co-parenting?  I know I'm a worrier, but HOLY COW these fears are real. And they are causing my brain to turn to pate!  I have been so thankful to my husband for his providing for nearly my entire mothering life.  From the time our Sarah was two, I have not worked regularly out of the home.  Days here and there or when the kids are in school, and it's something that I will forever be thankful for and something that has been so important to me.

My kids know that I have an abundant supply of pate tears.  I usually do a pretty good job of pulling it together, or discussing my feelings with them so that it's not a confusing thing for them.  But yesterday when my Aaron was having an honest breakdown I hurt for him so much that I too, had tears, not for myself but because it hurts to see him hurt and he's trying to be strong and so his hurt manifests as anger or I feel like he deflects what he is truly trying to process inside to other things.

I then cried because I am not sure how to help him.  It's hard to help a teenager feel safe about sharing feelings.

So I pray.  A lot.

And I keep striving to offer gentle encouragement and guidance.

He doesn't always like my gentle guidance.  He's at that tender age where he really doesn't enjoy church and says it's always been a waste of his time.  And that is a concern because I think of the years ahead and how easy it could be for him to struggle more than necessary if he doesn't learn to rely on Heavenly Father.  I don't know how to teach him of the importance of God in my life, other than through example.  I've known the importance over the years, but with such surety now.

So last night, we continued on with our scripture reading and have also been adding a short three minute video to each night.  He rolls his eyes and says its a waste of time, but I hope that he's actually listening and learning.  I think being a pre-teen is tough and there's a lot of hormone stuff going on and it's a time of learning to test boundaries and also learning how to speak for oneself.  So I just pray that the gentle guidance that I offer him in my home will one day help shape him into the person I know he has the potential to become.

I let him choose the topic of what video we should watch and he said "Hell".

Ok buddy.  Let's see what we can find.

We ended up finding a video of Obedience to the 10 commandments.  It was powerful.  The 10 commandments have been a part of Christianity for SO. VERY. LONG.  God is never changing so we can't change the commandments to fit our lifestyle.  Yet that is what happens so easily these days.  I love how the video pointed out that there are 4 of the 10 that our world is pretty good at keeping,  But those other 6.  We forget too often.

Next came my little miracle.  A video that came up immediately following the commandments video that was exactly what I needed.  A video called The Will of God.  I am so thankful for Heavenly Father and his gentle guidance that I'm doing an ok job.  It is going to be ok.  And as long as I keep striving to be the example to my children in truth, that I know HE would have me be, that things will work out.  So even though as in the video, being the mother/gardener "hurts" Aaron, and he doesn't see the value of what is happening at home, I pray that one day he will see Gods hand in his life.

Don't ever forget my loved ones and friends.  God loves you.  He knows you.  He will carry you.  And I fully believe that in time He will help my pate brain become whole again.

Not Kidding - God KNOWS each one of us!

So I'll be super short since my words kind of vomited the planet last night, but OH. MY. GOSH...HE knows us.  Fer reals.

This morning I flipped open my LDS tools app, (I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints if you didn't know), and scrolled, scrolled, scrolled to pick a random conference talk to listen to while I did my best to mask the rapid aging of the past year by throwing on a little makeup.

I picked October 2010, and then scrolled, scrolled, scrolled and saw a talk called Stay on the Path.  I picked it.  Or rather it picked me.  :)

Totally on track for what is so dear to my heart right now...teaching my children.

Take a listen if you so desire!  It's a good one!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/stay-on-the-path?lang=eng

Have a lovely day!

Fig Leaves

Life.  It isn't always what you imagine it will be.



Over the past several months I have spent a great deal of money sitting with therapists for sometimes 3.5 hours a week trying to make peace with some of the trials that I am experiencing in life.  Sometimes I leave feeling great.  Sometimes I leave wondering if I will ever recover from this crazy life.  But one thing that I have finally learned to embrace whole heartedly is that it is SO important to stay true to who I am.  Who am I? I'm not entirely sure, but I do know that I am someone that loves words and loves to share my story in hopes it may somehow help another.  So here I am.  Embracing my true self - abandoning the fear that someone may perceive something I say as manipulative or controlling.  I'm not here to be "better than" anyone.  What you read is not "about you" or any other Tom, Dick and Harry out there.  This is My journey.  My trials.  My pain.  My joy.  My experiences.  My accomplishments.  My failures.  My dumb choices.  My growth.   I hope that anyone that stops by here can see my motives for what they are - to simply let another know that life is sometimes shit.  But that doesn't mean you can't grow from those storm filled moments.  And you are NOT alone.



Who else am I? I am a 44 year old wife of 24 years, mother of five, who is soon to be experiencing a - "new to me" world of single mothering / co-parenting that I never in a bajillion years imagined I would be living.  Thankfully I've been working hard on me.  By some sort of mercy from God I've been led this path for nearly a full year.  And while each day is not always a step forward, more often than not it is in progress for good.



This morning at the temple I had a beautiful learning experience.  I want to write it down so that I can share it with my kids and with others so that maybe it can be a source of inspiration or strength to them one day also.

This story actually began yesterday afternoon when I was at my therapists office.  I used the bathroom before my session which is something I've never done before.  I seem to always have to pee when I get there but decided yesterday to be comfortable for my hour rather than not.  On the wall in the bathroom is a poster with all sorts of motivational quotes on it.  Like tons.  And one jumped out to me which said "Live as you wish your kids would."  So simple.  So powerful.  Why?  Because anyone who is a parent understands wanting what is best for your children, just as Heavenly Father wants what is best for each of us.



As I embark upon the world of single motherhood / co-parenting it has become something that has been brought to the forefront of my mind.   I thought about that quote all evening and what it meant to me, and it really is so simple: Strive to live a life that would be an example to our children who mean so much to us.  Strive to live a life that is honorable to our parents both earthly and Heavenly. And oh so importantly, also strive to live a life that when we are finished with this journey we will know we have each done to the best of our capabilities.



As I was thinking about that, realizing how many times in my life I've made choices that I would be livid if my kids made, choices that I am saddened over, embarrassed by. Choices that I have disguised as helpful or "right", when in fact there is only one truth (with a "th" aka eternal and never changing), I realized that those choices, as poor as they have been, have shaped me into the person I am today.



I love that Heavenly Father is completely understanding of each of us.  He knows how hard this life is.  And that is why He designed a plan that can allow each of us to not only return to his presence, but feel comfortable at BEING in his presence - if we do our part.



When I was at the temple today learning again about our first parents, Adam and Eve, it hit me at how easy it is for each of us to be swayed by Satan.  No sooner had Eve been awakened to who Lucifer was, knowing that he was the "bad guy", did she allow herself to be swayed by him.  She knew he was someone to lead her astray, yet immediately let him place fear into her life, in the form of being naked before God.



Does Heavenly Father abandon us because we are hiding behind a fig leaf?  No. He loves us infinitely. He see us - in complete truth.  We can't hide from Him. And He hopes that we would live as we wish our own kids would. He's our dad and when you're a loving dad you obviously want what is best for your kids.  But He knew that we are just that - sometimes really dumb kids.  He loves us enough to have given us the gift of agency so that we can learn from our stupid stuff along the pathway of life.  Because of His loving gift of free agency, He knew there was no hope that we would make it through without messing up time and time and time and time again.  But he also thought that through and provided us with a way to become whole from our lame choices, through the Atonement of our oldest brother Jesus Christ.



We cannot hide our choices in life from Him. He sees us whether we are in truth or trying to disguise our choices with a “fig leaf”. We cannot justify our actions that are wrong, because there is only wrong or right.  You are either on His side of the spectrum or you aren't.  When you are teaching your small children it is so easy to help them see those lines so clearly, but somewhere along the line of life it becomes so easy to think that you are so much smarter than Him and that your ideas and ideals are okay. When that happens it's so easy to live most aspects of life perfectly content in the shades of grey. Because that is easy.  So. So. Easy.



I know in my life I have made MANY of those "teenage know it all" type choices as not only a teen but an adult, and those choices have shaped the picture of my life today. For good and for bad.



I'm not proud of my mistakes, and I have made many. I have often "disguised" what is Truth to be true for myself. It makes it easier to "hide" but I can't hide from Him.  I hurt from my mistakes, and I have learned from them and I honestly pray I will continue to learn from them.



I love the children that have blessed my life so very much.  I hurt that I have ever been a poor example to them.  I hurt that I thought I could "fig leaf" my way through being their parenting example.  But I am thankful to be awakened to knowing that because of Christ I can fix those things and I CAN be the example to them that I know my Father wants me to be.



Even though I am a “dumb kid” more often than not, and I spend a lot of my life living in the grey,  I am thankful for my trials.  They allow me to truly see the full meaning of joy, and I hope that I can live the best I can each day to be the example to my kids that Heavenly Father would be pleased with.  I hope that I can esteem Him and so that I can return to His presence with honor.

I know as I continually make progress for good, seeking HIS will, then one day I can stand “naked”, if you will, before God, and I won't think a thing of it.



Don't give up when you want to hide my beautiful children.  Mistakes will happen.  Learn from them.  Love how you will grow from them. And know that your dad and I as well as many many others here on this earth love you as well as your Father in Heaven.

Life.  It isn't always what you imagine it will be.  And that's okay.  Because each trial is an opportunity to grow.