BRAIN SMOOSH

You know, I realized this morning that my brain feels like a huge bowl of cat food pate.  And I don't like it.  In fact it's a little frightening how hard it is becoming for me to remember things.  I've done enough researching to know that this is a common side effect of severe stress and so I have hope that one day I wont be carrying around a huge buffet of meals for my two fur girls right inside of my noggin.  I'm ready to have my nice sausage casing brain back, because this is so frustrating living like this. And I know it's understandable.  And I know that as I take time to emotionally process the past few months and that as I make peace with these feelings it will become better. In this regard, unlike the lines around my eyes, time will be my friend.

For now, the pate prevails.  Yesterday I was picking up my dear boys from school and Matthew informed me that he is Star Student of the Week?  WHAT?!?  Yeah.  I probably signed up for this at the beginning of the school year, and I bet there is even a lovely reminder note in his backpack from his amazing teacher, that probably came home last Friday.  But I've been on sheer survival mode.  Just trying to process my life one day at a time.  So I didn't see that note.  I totally had zero clue that my sweet boy is the star of the week.  And it hurts knowing that for the first year ever, I didn't make his fun poster telling about his great characteristics and favorites. But my awesome neighbor who happens to be his teacher took care of that at school.  And all was not lost because at least he reminded me on Thursday after school that he can take a treat to share with his friends today.

So the "super mom" that I am (note sarcasm), headed off to the lovely Walmart to get him a treat. And I forgot!!!  I was so sidetracked by remembering to get keys cut for my "new daughter" that I forgot I was also getting treats.  Oh and I still don't have keys.  The machine was broken.  WHAT?!?  Lame.  (But a huge shout out to Tracey who cleaned up my forgetfulness and got treats this morning since by the time I realized I had 15 minutes to get to work, so a trip to the store wasn't going to happen.  Thank you Tracey).

Needless to say, just like in the photo of the lovely cat food, there were juices that spilled over.  And I cried.

Stress!  As much as I take care to deep breathe and validate my emotions, it is still encompassing my life.  Understandably so.  I have not had months on my end to process the end of my marriage.  I am terrified of what the future holds.  Do I have to sell the house?  Do I have to work full time?  Will I be sacrificing anything at all for my kids, if they have to begin caring completely for themselves on days they are off school when this is something they've never experienced?  Especially at such a trying time of figuring out teenage life as well as adjusting to the new world of co-parenting?  I know I'm a worrier, but HOLY COW these fears are real. And they are causing my brain to turn to pate!  I have been so thankful to my husband for his providing for nearly my entire mothering life.  From the time our Sarah was two, I have not worked regularly out of the home.  Days here and there or when the kids are in school, and it's something that I will forever be thankful for and something that has been so important to me.

My kids know that I have an abundant supply of pate tears.  I usually do a pretty good job of pulling it together, or discussing my feelings with them so that it's not a confusing thing for them.  But yesterday when my Aaron was having an honest breakdown I hurt for him so much that I too, had tears, not for myself but because it hurts to see him hurt and he's trying to be strong and so his hurt manifests as anger or I feel like he deflects what he is truly trying to process inside to other things.

I then cried because I am not sure how to help him.  It's hard to help a teenager feel safe about sharing feelings.

So I pray.  A lot.

And I keep striving to offer gentle encouragement and guidance.

He doesn't always like my gentle guidance.  He's at that tender age where he really doesn't enjoy church and says it's always been a waste of his time.  And that is a concern because I think of the years ahead and how easy it could be for him to struggle more than necessary if he doesn't learn to rely on Heavenly Father.  I don't know how to teach him of the importance of God in my life, other than through example.  I've known the importance over the years, but with such surety now.

So last night, we continued on with our scripture reading and have also been adding a short three minute video to each night.  He rolls his eyes and says its a waste of time, but I hope that he's actually listening and learning.  I think being a pre-teen is tough and there's a lot of hormone stuff going on and it's a time of learning to test boundaries and also learning how to speak for oneself.  So I just pray that the gentle guidance that I offer him in my home will one day help shape him into the person I know he has the potential to become.

I let him choose the topic of what video we should watch and he said "Hell".

Ok buddy.  Let's see what we can find.

We ended up finding a video of Obedience to the 10 commandments.  It was powerful.  The 10 commandments have been a part of Christianity for SO. VERY. LONG.  God is never changing so we can't change the commandments to fit our lifestyle.  Yet that is what happens so easily these days.  I love how the video pointed out that there are 4 of the 10 that our world is pretty good at keeping,  But those other 6.  We forget too often.

Next came my little miracle.  A video that came up immediately following the commandments video that was exactly what I needed.  A video called The Will of God.  I am so thankful for Heavenly Father and his gentle guidance that I'm doing an ok job.  It is going to be ok.  And as long as I keep striving to be the example to my children in truth, that I know HE would have me be, that things will work out.  So even though as in the video, being the mother/gardener "hurts" Aaron, and he doesn't see the value of what is happening at home, I pray that one day he will see Gods hand in his life.

Don't ever forget my loved ones and friends.  God loves you.  He knows you.  He will carry you.  And I fully believe that in time He will help my pate brain become whole again.