Fig Leaves

Life.  It isn't always what you imagine it will be.



Over the past several months I have spent a great deal of money sitting with therapists for sometimes 3.5 hours a week trying to make peace with some of the trials that I am experiencing in life.  Sometimes I leave feeling great.  Sometimes I leave wondering if I will ever recover from this crazy life.  But one thing that I have finally learned to embrace whole heartedly is that it is SO important to stay true to who I am.  Who am I? I'm not entirely sure, but I do know that I am someone that loves words and loves to share my story in hopes it may somehow help another.  So here I am.  Embracing my true self - abandoning the fear that someone may perceive something I say as manipulative or controlling.  I'm not here to be "better than" anyone.  What you read is not "about you" or any other Tom, Dick and Harry out there.  This is My journey.  My trials.  My pain.  My joy.  My experiences.  My accomplishments.  My failures.  My dumb choices.  My growth.   I hope that anyone that stops by here can see my motives for what they are - to simply let another know that life is sometimes shit.  But that doesn't mean you can't grow from those storm filled moments.  And you are NOT alone.



Who else am I? I am a 44 year old wife of 24 years, mother of five, who is soon to be experiencing a - "new to me" world of single mothering / co-parenting that I never in a bajillion years imagined I would be living.  Thankfully I've been working hard on me.  By some sort of mercy from God I've been led this path for nearly a full year.  And while each day is not always a step forward, more often than not it is in progress for good.



This morning at the temple I had a beautiful learning experience.  I want to write it down so that I can share it with my kids and with others so that maybe it can be a source of inspiration or strength to them one day also.

This story actually began yesterday afternoon when I was at my therapists office.  I used the bathroom before my session which is something I've never done before.  I seem to always have to pee when I get there but decided yesterday to be comfortable for my hour rather than not.  On the wall in the bathroom is a poster with all sorts of motivational quotes on it.  Like tons.  And one jumped out to me which said "Live as you wish your kids would."  So simple.  So powerful.  Why?  Because anyone who is a parent understands wanting what is best for your children, just as Heavenly Father wants what is best for each of us.



As I embark upon the world of single motherhood / co-parenting it has become something that has been brought to the forefront of my mind.   I thought about that quote all evening and what it meant to me, and it really is so simple: Strive to live a life that would be an example to our children who mean so much to us.  Strive to live a life that is honorable to our parents both earthly and Heavenly. And oh so importantly, also strive to live a life that when we are finished with this journey we will know we have each done to the best of our capabilities.



As I was thinking about that, realizing how many times in my life I've made choices that I would be livid if my kids made, choices that I am saddened over, embarrassed by. Choices that I have disguised as helpful or "right", when in fact there is only one truth (with a "th" aka eternal and never changing), I realized that those choices, as poor as they have been, have shaped me into the person I am today.



I love that Heavenly Father is completely understanding of each of us.  He knows how hard this life is.  And that is why He designed a plan that can allow each of us to not only return to his presence, but feel comfortable at BEING in his presence - if we do our part.



When I was at the temple today learning again about our first parents, Adam and Eve, it hit me at how easy it is for each of us to be swayed by Satan.  No sooner had Eve been awakened to who Lucifer was, knowing that he was the "bad guy", did she allow herself to be swayed by him.  She knew he was someone to lead her astray, yet immediately let him place fear into her life, in the form of being naked before God.



Does Heavenly Father abandon us because we are hiding behind a fig leaf?  No. He loves us infinitely. He see us - in complete truth.  We can't hide from Him. And He hopes that we would live as we wish our own kids would. He's our dad and when you're a loving dad you obviously want what is best for your kids.  But He knew that we are just that - sometimes really dumb kids.  He loves us enough to have given us the gift of agency so that we can learn from our stupid stuff along the pathway of life.  Because of His loving gift of free agency, He knew there was no hope that we would make it through without messing up time and time and time and time again.  But he also thought that through and provided us with a way to become whole from our lame choices, through the Atonement of our oldest brother Jesus Christ.



We cannot hide our choices in life from Him. He sees us whether we are in truth or trying to disguise our choices with a “fig leaf”. We cannot justify our actions that are wrong, because there is only wrong or right.  You are either on His side of the spectrum or you aren't.  When you are teaching your small children it is so easy to help them see those lines so clearly, but somewhere along the line of life it becomes so easy to think that you are so much smarter than Him and that your ideas and ideals are okay. When that happens it's so easy to live most aspects of life perfectly content in the shades of grey. Because that is easy.  So. So. Easy.



I know in my life I have made MANY of those "teenage know it all" type choices as not only a teen but an adult, and those choices have shaped the picture of my life today. For good and for bad.



I'm not proud of my mistakes, and I have made many. I have often "disguised" what is Truth to be true for myself. It makes it easier to "hide" but I can't hide from Him.  I hurt from my mistakes, and I have learned from them and I honestly pray I will continue to learn from them.



I love the children that have blessed my life so very much.  I hurt that I have ever been a poor example to them.  I hurt that I thought I could "fig leaf" my way through being their parenting example.  But I am thankful to be awakened to knowing that because of Christ I can fix those things and I CAN be the example to them that I know my Father wants me to be.



Even though I am a “dumb kid” more often than not, and I spend a lot of my life living in the grey,  I am thankful for my trials.  They allow me to truly see the full meaning of joy, and I hope that I can live the best I can each day to be the example to my kids that Heavenly Father would be pleased with.  I hope that I can esteem Him and so that I can return to His presence with honor.

I know as I continually make progress for good, seeking HIS will, then one day I can stand “naked”, if you will, before God, and I won't think a thing of it.



Don't give up when you want to hide my beautiful children.  Mistakes will happen.  Learn from them.  Love how you will grow from them. And know that your dad and I as well as many many others here on this earth love you as well as your Father in Heaven.

Life.  It isn't always what you imagine it will be.  And that's okay.  Because each trial is an opportunity to grow.