Anniversaries

Woah.  I can't believe it's been a year.  One full year since I took this photo.  And I knew the anniversary was coming up too.  And it's kinda been giving me a whole spectrum of emotions from the squirly "I wanna puke" tummy feelings, to feelings of empowerment.

So yeah.  I'm going to talk about it a little bit.

To me this photo represents the anniversary of what I felt at the time was the gateway to my world "falling apart."  When I came home from my trip to Wisconsin I sensed something was not sitting quite right, and even now when I look at this photo, (which I believe is the last one I took of the two of us together), it kinda takes my breath away.  And not in a good "oh my gosh, he just kissed me and that was so amazing!", take my breath kinda way.  More of a "oh S*** that was a wild year" kinda way.

However, I also see this photo and this day as a huge landmark in my life, and the beginning of a lifelong journey of becoming the person I truly want to become.  I see this anniversary as an opportunity that was presented to me to dig deep and become more solid than I have ever previously been, with who I am.

Just yesterday I was reading from my book The Language of Letting Go about "Solving Problems."  Melody Beattie writes "Many of us still fear problems.  We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it.  We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift.  Problems are a part of life.  So are solutions."

When I read that I paused for a minute to think about my past year.  Yeah.  There have been sooo many problems.  And a me in my former life would have curled up in bed and ignored the universe. But I didn't.

People sometimes don't believe in rock bottoms.  I know some of those who should have been closest to me didn't.  But I'm here to tell you, they are legit.

I hit my rock bottom.  And it wasn't pretty.  And I knew if I didn't make some serious changes, and dig deep to become the person that I want to be, that I would never get out of bed.  So the metamorphosis began.  And guess what.  I *AM* thankful for this gift.

Sure some days it sucks.  And some days I do retreat.  And some days I do still curl up in bed.  But only for a little bit. And some days I cry and wish for my family to be intact, and wonder why choices were made the way they were and why healing under one roof couldn't be chosen and worked toward. And then I brush  myself off and realize that there is a life that is too short to wallow in self pity and to live in the "should haves and what if's" of the past.  Because the truth is there's a pretty good life out there.  That is worth smiling at.  And connecting with.  And living as fully as possible.

I've worked hard at becoming ok with who I am.  And asking myself what I need to do to stay there.  I have managed to remove the bandaid of big pharma meds, and am completely medication free.  I even sleep (mostly) at night with the aide of a little melatonin and nothing more.  This is big stuff for me people.  10+ years on all sorts of meds to help me "function."  No more.  I'm getting to the root.  And it feels good.

It's a journey that I still would not have chosen, but since it happened, I am choosing to see the positive. In the words of Melody Beattie it's time to set my own course.  She writes: "We can set goals and direction in our life.  We can place value on ourselves.  We can own our power with people.  Think about what you want.  We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us." As well as "God, help me face and solve my problems today.  Help me do my part and let the rest go."

I like who I am so much more.  And it really is kinda exciting to think about what kind of butterfly I am going to become.  I think she is going to be super radiant indeed.