Being Thankful for the Rain

I woke up today feeling thankful.  Tired (since I haven't been sleeping well and got up at 4:30 am), but thankful.

I've been reflecting the last little while on how grateful I am that I can see the learning experiences I have been granted this past year as gifts.

And then I got to work and was sifting through my TimeHop to see what happened in my past and - BAM - ONE YEAR ago this very day, the Mr. asked me for a divorce.

Why do I know this?  Because it was on the same day that I got my beautiful butterfly tattoo.

Woah.

I knew the "anniversary" was coming, but I was choosing not to focus on the pain associated with that day, so it was kind of a weird feeling to realize that it was 365 rotations around the sun ago, that my world fell apart.

Or did it?

Truth be told I am thankful for the rain.  Sure I wasn't always.  And there will be days that I want to punch something (preferably my punching bag in the basement), but overall, I think I want to pull out a pretty pink umbrella with either different shades of Peonies covering it, OR white polka dots, and throw on some pink rain boots and do a little dance in the rain, because if the events of this past year did not present themselves to me, then I think I might still be stuck in a mode of life that isn't exactly living, but enduring.

I decided to find a talk to read on thankfulness and I randomly picked the perfect talk by President Dieter Uchtdorf, titled Grateful in Any Circumstances.

Woahhh - talk about going along the lines precisely with what I have been reflecting upon in my pretty pink rainboots!

He opens the talk by talking about how we as mortals, often have grief around what appears to be an ending in our lives.

Oh you had better believe that I have had my heart wrenching, ugly crying, super bad cursing (you know that "F" word, yeah, I do too! 😏 ), crawl in bed and ignore every living thing on the planet days, when I think about the ending of 24 years of marriage.

But as time has marched on, I have had a glorious transition to see the rain as a gift.  I mean when else will I be able to splash around in pretty pink rain boots?  (FYI - I don't really have any.  But now they are on my list!)

Last week as I was attending BYU Women's Conference, I seemed to choose all of my sessions based around finding the blessings in the pain.

One of my favorite sessions, a woman talked about her journey to becoming a "Forgiveness Fanatic".  She shared her story of her ex-husbands betrayal with a friend and how she was an ugly, yucky and bitter person for a long time.  And then through her journey she found peace and comfort through the Atonement of our Lord and Savior, and how when the time came many years later, that her friend wished to meet her to ask for her forgiveness in person, she was able to embrace her friend with loving arms and tell her that it was ok.

Yeah.  I cried.  I want to be that forgiving person.  I want to let go of allllll of the sticky dark and icky ick in my heart.  And I think I'm doing pretty ok.  Sure I held on to that sludge for awhile, but I didn't like the "me" I was being.  I didn't like the sadness behind the blue eyes.  I didn't like my missing smile.  I didn't like feeling like a walking wounded.

So through the Grace of God, sometimes pretty persistent determination, and even sometimes a whole lot of faking it until I was making it, I fought back to the icky-sticky darkness.

And today I am thankful, for allll of the hard.

President Uchtdorf says in his talk, "Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation?  In other words, I'm suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances-whatever they may be."

Guess what friends..

THE CHOICE IS OURS!

Yeah.  I know there will be some pretty tough times coming up.  Especially as I adjust to the financial woes of divorce, but as long as I have my kids, my family, my home, my wonderful friends,  the support of their father and most importantly my focus on God it's going to be A-OK.

"When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation.  In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise.  In pain, we can glory in Christ's Atonement.  In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven's embrace."

I know that one day all of my tears will be replaced with an abundance of happiness and joy.  Let's face it.  They have already.  It's just being willing to recognize it.

President Uchtdorf then concludes his talk with how we are not made for endings.

Got that right baby.

Just because my marriage is over, it is not the end of my life.

In fact it is the doorway to the beginning in ways.

I was sitting in therapy yesterday discussing this idea and I told Ryan something I had learned from another friend just a few days before. "Things don't always happen for a reason, that's just silly.  But if we are humble we can always find purpose in the experiences that we are provided with."  I kinda felt like he should have been paying me at that moment. :)  He said "WOW! That's great!  I hadn't ever heard it put that way before."  (You're welcome Ryan, that will be $90 thank you).

I have found purpose.

I will not live in sorrow.

I will count my blessings big and small.

I will strive to live with integrity and be responsible for my actions.

A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues and I truly hope to nurture those virtues within myself.

One of the greatest tools to a thankful heart that I have found is to truly count the little blessings.

^^^Totally thankful for these peeps^^^

Here is my list of 25 simple things for today:

1. I have my boys back home.  
2. They all recognize more happiness in their lives.
3. I have been told repeatedly by many different people that I am "radiant" and look so happy.
4. I have pretty purple toe polish.
5. My yard is bursting with spring blossoms.
6. I was told just this morning by a young man that I look very nice today.
7. My coworkers are FAB.  
8. I have lovely friends.  Very lovely.  Both near aaaannd half way around the world. 
9. That it's nearly Mother's Day which means my Skype call with Sarah!!!
10. That I am not an emotional eater and have lost quite a bit of weight during this adventure.
11. That I may be able to take a nap between jobs today, since getting up at 4:30 is hard!
12. I have pretty "Russet River" lips today. (Yeah...I have a lipstick thing).
13. My hair actually does look pretty 👍 today.  Even if it is super gray and crazy wild!
14. It's sunny outside.  And warm.  Which if I choose to run instead of nap, will help to diminish my winter white!
15. I get to have my Tessa with me during her lunch today. 
16. I will smell and admire many beautiful flowers this evening at work. 
17. I have a cold Diet Dr. Pepper by me. 
18. My girls are top notch at helping out with the boys, especially during this busy pre-mothers day flower madness, work week.
19. I am actually kinda back on pretty friendly terms with my Ex. 
20. I am listening to music at work.  Music makes me happy.
21. I have one of the most amazing, kick ass neighbors in the world.  Jennie...I love your guts woman. 
22. That the LDS church severed ties with the Varsity Scouting program.  (No.  Seriously.  I'm giddy over this.  One less thing to feel mommy guilt over not accomplishing effectively!)
23. There are only 32 more days until I go see my bestie in Wisconsin, and eat cheese.  Lots and lots of cheese. 
24. I have a coconut oil bubble bath calling my name tonight, after a loooooong day of work.
25. I am the daughter of a very LOVING, and kind and forgiving Heavenly Father. 

My challenge to anyone that is crazy enough to read this: Throw on your pretty pink rain boots and ENJOY THE RAIN!

 

Anniversaries

Woah.  I can't believe it's been a year.  One full year since I took this photo.  And I knew the anniversary was coming up too.  And it's kinda been giving me a whole spectrum of emotions from the squirly "I wanna puke" tummy feelings, to feelings of empowerment.

So yeah.  I'm going to talk about it a little bit.

To me this photo represents the anniversary of what I felt at the time was the gateway to my world "falling apart."  When I came home from my trip to Wisconsin I sensed something was not sitting quite right, and even now when I look at this photo, (which I believe is the last one I took of the two of us together), it kinda takes my breath away.  And not in a good "oh my gosh, he just kissed me and that was so amazing!", take my breath kinda way.  More of a "oh S*** that was a wild year" kinda way.

However, I also see this photo and this day as a huge landmark in my life, and the beginning of a lifelong journey of becoming the person I truly want to become.  I see this anniversary as an opportunity that was presented to me to dig deep and become more solid than I have ever previously been, with who I am.

Just yesterday I was reading from my book The Language of Letting Go about "Solving Problems."  Melody Beattie writes "Many of us still fear problems.  We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it.  We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift.  Problems are a part of life.  So are solutions."

When I read that I paused for a minute to think about my past year.  Yeah.  There have been sooo many problems.  And a me in my former life would have curled up in bed and ignored the universe. But I didn't.

People sometimes don't believe in rock bottoms.  I know some of those who should have been closest to me didn't.  But I'm here to tell you, they are legit.

I hit my rock bottom.  And it wasn't pretty.  And I knew if I didn't make some serious changes, and dig deep to become the person that I want to be, that I would never get out of bed.  So the metamorphosis began.  And guess what.  I *AM* thankful for this gift.

Sure some days it sucks.  And some days I do retreat.  And some days I do still curl up in bed.  But only for a little bit. And some days I cry and wish for my family to be intact, and wonder why choices were made the way they were and why healing under one roof couldn't be chosen and worked toward. And then I brush  myself off and realize that there is a life that is too short to wallow in self pity and to live in the "should haves and what if's" of the past.  Because the truth is there's a pretty good life out there.  That is worth smiling at.  And connecting with.  And living as fully as possible.

I've worked hard at becoming ok with who I am.  And asking myself what I need to do to stay there.  I have managed to remove the bandaid of big pharma meds, and am completely medication free.  I even sleep (mostly) at night with the aide of a little melatonin and nothing more.  This is big stuff for me people.  10+ years on all sorts of meds to help me "function."  No more.  I'm getting to the root.  And it feels good.

It's a journey that I still would not have chosen, but since it happened, I am choosing to see the positive. In the words of Melody Beattie it's time to set my own course.  She writes: "We can set goals and direction in our life.  We can place value on ourselves.  We can own our power with people.  Think about what you want.  We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us." As well as "God, help me face and solve my problems today.  Help me do my part and let the rest go."

I like who I am so much more.  And it really is kinda exciting to think about what kind of butterfly I am going to become.  I think she is going to be super radiant indeed.

Will I Know Him?

My New Testimony of Easter

Wow.  I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I've written!  Crazy how time flies and how easy it is to let go of writing when there's a whole lotta life crap you're trying to wrap up so you can move on.

I couldn't let my experience of last night go by without writing about it.  I don't ever want to forget the feelings that I had.  Ever.

So I love Easter.  It's even a bit more meaningful to me now as 4 Easter Sundays ago, my dad gathered all of us children and grand children around him and we discussed his long term physical suffering.  We all gave him our blessing to let go of this mortal life and to find peace in the next.  I will never forget that Easter as it truly brought to light the meaning of The Atonement and the blessing that we have been given to be with our loved ones forever. Even looking at this photo now I am moved to tears as I miss my dad terribly.  I miss his wisdom.  I miss the love he proclaimed for my mother without abandon.  I miss the joy on his face at spending time with his Grandchildren.  I miss him calling me names with the most amazing teasing love that only a dad can possess.  And I greatly miss his unwavering testimony of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Last night I was blessed to be able to go and see the community performance of Rob Gardner's sacred work: Lamb of God.  If you haven't heard or seen this production it is well worth spending some time on YouTube to listen to it and I would highly recommend purchasing the CD to listen to. 

I think as we experience new things in life we find ourselves vulnerable to experiencing what we have known for years in a new light.  That happened to me last night as I sat amongst every missionary in the Utah Provo Mission and their investigators in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints.  The spirit was absolutely incredible.  And I thank my Father in Heaven for making it possible for me to be able to attend.  I was not expecting the experience I had and I will forever be grateful. 

It's easy to focus on The Atonement of Christ.  The sacrifice that he made for each of us.  The light and the resurrection.  This video was used during portions of the performance and brought the spirit even more to the evening. 

For the first time in my life I was profoundly affected by the pain that the Apostle Peter must have felt at the denial of Christ.

As the song Peter's Denial was being performed I could not stop the tears.  Almost to the point of being an ugly crier.  Thank heaven it was dark.

I guess I kind of related in that moment to Peter.  A wonderful man.  Someone who KNEW our Lord and Savior.  Who walked with him daily.  Who was a good person.  Righteous.  Sure of the way and the light, and yet he made a mistake.

I don't think he intended to deny his knowledge of Christ.  Especially knowing that he may possibly be the one that would deny Christ thrice before the cock crew.  And yet, he did.

It makes me cry even as I type to think of how this has been me, on many occasions in my life.  Do I know Christ and His love and His gift of the Atonement?  Yes.  Without a doubt.  And do I know these things in my heart and find myself making choices that I know are not in accordance with Him. Yes.  Even at those times in my life where I have been so certain and have felt so strong and have been "walking with Christ" in my daily life, I have still made mistakes.  And it hurts.  But then it makes me appreciate Him and his sacrifice even more.  And this year I am so thankful for Peter.  One of The Lord's choicest, and he too made mistakes.  We are all imperfect.  But what is important is that we not dwell on those imperfections and let the shame consume us, but realize that Christ and our Father are there for us.  They are carrying us.  We must simply let go of our human weakness and turn to them.

Another piece of the Easter story that really impacted me last night was the experience of Mary Magdeline.  Another person who knew Christ with her whole heart.  And yet, she did not recognize him when she went to the tomb, but assumed him to be a gardener.

Again, sitting there with the tears streaming down my face as I listened to the performance of Mary Magdeline, I wondered to myself, if He were to walk up to me today, would I know Him?

There are choices in every day.  Choices which will bring us closer to Him or further away from Him.
I came across this talk awhile ago, by Elder Russell M. Nelson, titled Decisions for Eternity.  Each day we are given the gift of choosing the direction on our earthly journey, as to where we want to go. Its not always easy.  But knowing that He is there and cheering us on and loving us infinitely, despite our imperfections brings great hope.

As the performance concluded with a song titled Here is Hope I looked down at my wrist.  When I got this tattoo last summer it was to signify holding on to hope that my family would stay intact, and to never let go of holding on to that hope.  While that didn't end up how I had hoped, this symbol of hope took on significant new meaning for me.  That Christ is Hope.

For any of you that struggle with choices you are currently making, have made and even those "Peter" moments of the future, don't let go of hope.  We have been given the greatest gift.  And not one of us are too far gone to be out of reach of His love and blessings.

I know that Christ lives.  I know that he paid the ultimate price for each and every one of us.  For our sins.  For our pain.  So that we can be with Him and our loved ones again.

I am so thankful for this blessing in my life, and as I grow older it becomes more and more evident to me of His love for each of us.  

I pray that I can avoid the Peter moments in my life and that when He returns again that I will know Him. 

Letting Go

***WARNING LONG POST - Don't like it?  Leave.  HAHAH***

LETTING GO

Gotta admit!  It's feeling good to be letting go. Some days I didn't think it would ever be able to happen, but  I think over the past few weeks I've been working hard on realizing that this is what it is, and there is no point to live in the past, hurting, wondering, crying, etc.   Sometimes someone you love chooses a different path and that's part of the gift of agency in each of our lives.  Sure ideally we all want to control our picture perfect endings, but you know what?  Now I have the chance to write a new ending.  No it wont be picture perfect, but I've felt the hurt, I've let it bleed....I'm working on healing and definitely looking forward to letting go.  And each day it's just a smidgie bit better.  In fact yesterday while I was in therapy my therapist got the biggest grin on his face and told me how happy he was that I'm looking beyond.  That he often has clients in similar situations that hold on to the pain and stop living life because they can't let go.  Is that going to be me?  Nope!  (Although yeah there will be days that you see me ugly crying on the porch I'm sure.  I mean, it's 24 years of marriage peeps!  Just hand me a tissue if you please.  Preferably the soft kind.  Not the bulk ones that feel like sand paper.  Cause let's face it the past year or so has just about aged me 1,456,674 days and my skin shows it).

Anyhow, for the past, well....hmmmm...4 months or so, the following photo has been my lock screen on my phone.  It's such a great reminder to me every time I look at it to not be afraid.  Sure it's scary stuff happening, and I'm still a basket of nerves not knowing how things will all shake out financially, as caring for my kids is my number 1.  And I worked hard as a mom for the past 22 years and gave up things to be there for them (which I am eternally thankful for), but didn't anticipate ever that this is where I would be.  So for sure it's scary.  But, like my phone reminds me - Do Not Be Afraid.  And since Heavenly Father is kinda in charge of things, if I listen...carefully and quietly, then I will have direction.  And even if it's hard and stressful, I will know that things will work out. 

                                       

For weeks I had been planning a bit of visual therapy to help me let go.  I'd written a letter with my feelings regarding all that is happening.  It wasn't pretty.  I didn't hold back.  I carried that letter around with me for WEEKS because somewhere inside of me I didn't want to let go.  I had hope that I would wake up from a bad dream and my happy little forever family would be all enclosed again under one roof.  The day before our scheduled mediation, I knew it wasn't going to happen.  And that it was time to take that letter of alllll of the feelings of hurt, pain, anger, frustration, hope, longing, hate...and let go.  

So I burned it. 

And it felt good.

I then took the ashes and put them in a baggie attached to helium balloons.  The idea being to send your pain to Heavenly Father.  I had first learned of this technique when my dad went through a trial years ago and was sending a letter to heaven.  Apparently there's something very therapeutic about the visual release and can do wonders in the healing process.  I knew that the next day - with going to mediation, that I had to take the opportunity to let it work and let it go. 

What happened next I didn't plan and it really kind of hurt.  I sent off the balloons, and the wind current carried it right into a tree.  I even have a video of it somewhere because I wanted it to watch again, and again, when times of letting go become hard.  I still haven't watched it.  Because it hurt that my balloons didn't go to Heaven.  What did that mean?  That I'm still supposed to hold on?  I cried.  And then cried some more.  And then felt such a peacefulness come over me as I remembered the first time that my dad tried this visual release therapy, the balloons that HE was sending to heaven also got caught in a tree.  I know it sounds crazy but right then and there I saw my balloons, which are STILL stuck in the tree, as a sign that my dear daddy is here with me.  Walking with me through this journey every step.  The tears stopped and I got the biggest grin on my face.  And even now when I park at the place where I let the balloons go, to go running, I see them and smile.  Because dad is with me.

The next day was mediation.  SCARY SHIZ people.  But I listened to my heart and decided that I needed to seek out the attorney route for this divorce.  Never in a gajillion zillion years did I imagine that *I* would be the one filing for divorce.  But I know me.  I'm a worrier.  I'm not super smart.  Big people stuff, (and even 4th grade math), hurts my brain so much that I knew I needed to have someone help me through this process that knows exactly what they are doing.  No I'm not out to become the monsterous, ex-wife.  I just need someone to hold my hand through this so that I don't look back down the road and find more sadness with this division than my heart already does.

When I got home it was another one of those mini miracles.  My yard is waking up and coming to life.  For any of you that know me you know that flowers are my passion.  Like the NUMBER ONE most amazing thing on the planet outside of the stuff that really matters.  I turned to gardening as therapy when my dad died.  I still crave it.  And would live my life, barefoot in my dirt, alllll the days if I could be an adult that didn't have to be responsible. :)

The mini miracle though is my daffodils have started opening.  And guess what.  They are dads favorite flower. 

Dad, I can't look at them without thinking of you.  :D

NEW LIFE

So I've read several times that starting new traditions is the best thing for a divided family.  No more living in the past of wonderful memories, but holding them in the place that is healthy, AND creating new memories which will build the foundation of wonderful years to come.   So we kicked things off with St. Patrick's Day.

I was so thankful that I happened to have the kids that evening.  WE HAD SO MUCH FUN!

It was a crazy, crazy day between work and everything else, so my plans for a nice traditional Irish meal turned in to my free large pizzas from Tenny's that I forgot that I had punch cards for.

Hey...Italy is close to Ireland, Ish.  Right?  Roll with it baby.

I totally forgot about wearing green for myself so fixed that the moment that I got home from work, and then got planning the party.  (Last minute...sometimes that's just how life works!)

                                       

First we went to the park and played and played and played. They're kinda fun little twerps and I'm glad they aren't embarrassed to have their momma playing with them.  The best part at the park? Trying to take a group selfie on this tilting platform thing that we were all about to fall off of.  (Oh and note Shelby...she's my new daughter living with us.  Another mini miracle).

                                   

After the park we went home and played 7 or 8 minute to win it type games.  The highlight? Throwing puffy cheetos at each other, trying to create "leprechaun beards."  Giggles O'Plenty indeed.

                                   

                               

Oh and then our evenin' O' fun ended up with an original mini film by Tessa.  I couldn't stop laughing. 

                                            

The following morning me and my favorite shortest peep went for a run.  I'm signed up for a series of races and I'm determined to do things for me.  Things I love.  To not get lost in the stress of single mom life.  My guy wanted to go with me.  Knowing I would have to run 4 miles I wasn't entirely sure how it would work out.  But I also knew I had to work that afternoon so we went with it. And it was AWESOME.  My 5th run of the season, (maybe 4th), and I barely walked.  Sure I am slow as mud, but who cares!  I'm doing it!  And I had a short guy roller blading by me who was helping to push me along.  And we did it.  With smiles.

Anyone that knows me knows how important it is after a run to hydrate with some Diet Dr. Pepper.  So we hit the gas station and got a drink.  In the parking lot there was a group of bikers (like the manly kind...not the exercise kind).  Matthew got the biggest grin and said MOM LOOK!!!  I looked over and said "OH MY GOSH IT'S THE DEVIL."  He giggled and we tried to stalker take a photo but it didn't work.  We got our drink and headed down the road then I asked him if he wanted to have a photo with the Devil (whom was actually an incredibly nice man).  Chuzz giggled and said nooooo.  Then a second later...Well, yeah.   Old mom would have been like not even one to ask Chuzz if he wanted a photo.  But the new me that is emerging said "All right...lets do it!" (So not me!  I'm kinda shy to be honest!)  So we turned around and caught the Devil in the nick of time and he was soooo kind to take some time with my boy.

                                             

MINI MIRACLES

So I love how I can look back and see Heavenly Fathers hand in my life.  It's kinda crazy how my jobs that I've had to get to help supplement life have literally worked out for me with so little stress.  AND my second job literally came to me.  AND it's associated with FLOWERS!  Are you kidding me?  A job, with flowers that CAME TO ME?  Sure it pays like crap, but I love it.  And it will help compensate in the summer when I'm not working my other job because there's no school.  No school,  no computer lab, no pay.  

Oh and I'm telling you peeps.  For the most part delivering flowers to people is such a joy!  Especially to the people that have ZERO clue that someone is thinking about them. Being able to witness the look of surprise on their faces when I hand over the beauty is something that I deeply cherish and see as a huge blessing in my life. 

Another mini miracle is how much weight I've lost!  And holy cow...not from eating healthy either.  LOL!  I know I need to be more conscious about what I put into my body.  I guess the boosted adrenaline is working for me or something.  Just glad to know I'm not an emotional eater.  Kinda swell when I also fit into a brand new pair of pixie pants from Old Navy that I bought last year and couldn't even fit over my behind.  Mini miracles indeed!

GETTING STRONGER

 I love, love, love, love, LOVE the feeling of getting stronger.  I love my Heavenly Father.  I love my family.  I love my kids.  I love my friends.  I love my neighbors.  I love my therapist.  Every one of these people are little twigs in my life that have come together to support me in this journey.  And I love that I am becoming more comfortable with being true to ME.  To not give up the person I am inside.  (Hence the writing!  A huge part of me that I was letting go).

I ordered myself a kickass 70# punching bag and my kind (what do you even call him - father of my children), hung it in my basement for me.  It's been so good for me and the boys to take our frustrations out on.  And I kinda like what it's doing to my arms.

Every day I become stronger inside.  And out.  And it's exciting to think of the me that is emerging and where I will be in a year.

Oh and speaking of getting stronger, following an amazing therapy session (like seriously, mine and the boys' therapist is AMAZING), we had a mom and son date to our favorite mexican place, El Mexiquense, and ate tongue tacos.  Kind of crazy how a therapist remembering a boy loves Takis and buys him a bag turns into talk of tongue tacos and how we should try them!   Getting stronger?  I think so.  :)

Yet, somehow I wasn't strong enough to eat the super taste-buddy pieces.  Maybe next year.  ;)

And, well....just cause...who doesn't want to end a HUGE long blog post seeing a video of my boys rockin' their parkour class last night.  

Until next time people.....

Be Strong 17

Come What May, and Love it.

So the past few weeks weeks since I have decided to share my words with the world again, I have been focusing on LDS Conference Talks and how these modern day teachings from our LDS church leaders can be applied to my life.  And I love it.  I love finding little nuggets of inspiration which sooooo directly pertain to me.  It's kind of like when you go to the thrift store and find a darling skirt that has been sitting around for awhile collecting dust.  Maybe months, maybe even years, but is such a perfect fit for you that you thank the journey of life, that what you have found has crossed your path at the perfect time to enrich and bless it in ways that you never thought possible.  (Yes...I really have found those perfect skirts!  For a dollar even!)

Last night I happened across the talk Come What May, and Love It by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin.  This talk has been collecting dust in the interwebs shelves of my life since the October conference of 2008.  And I found it at just the right time to bless my life.

Seriously.  It's like the perfect blending of wrinkle free cotton, flowy knee length, pink floral skirt in my life.

Come What May, and LOVE IT!

Whaaaaat?  Love the bizareness that has been encompassing my life for almost a year?  Really?  Love the hurt, heart ache, tears and triumphs (ok, the triumphs are decent).  The anger, hate, the days where you literally don't know how you put one foot in front of the other?  The reflection and sorrow of your own choices that obviously have shaped the course of your life in to what it is today?

Love it?  What?

Is that easy?

Freaking NO WAY!  In fact Elder Wirthlin says "How can we love days that are filled with sorrow?  We can't - at least not in the moment." AHHHHH THANK YOU!  If there is one thing I've learned over the past year is  how. very. important. it. is. to. feel. your. feels.  Don't bury them.  Don't slap a bandaid on them. Don't sweep them under the rug and pretend that everything is peachy, because guess what....one day, maybe even years later those resentful feelings and feelings of pain will surface up to the top and BAM - they can set your life on a course that you never anticipated.

However, we all have the ability to react to those times of adversity in a healthy way, and how we react to them will play a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.  Am I perfect at mastering this?  Ummmmm....NO.  Am I even close?  I wish!  Am I working harder every day?  Youbetcha.  And do you know what?  Most weeks, there are days where I can look back and see the tiny miracles in the trials of life.

I was taking time today to write out my miracles.  Here is what I recognize.

1 - I KNOW Heavenly Father loves me.  KNOWS me.  KNOWS my pain and is carrying me in His loving arms.

2 - I have come to learn so much more about myself.  Good things.  That I can do hard things.  That I can fight to see the positive in hard situations.

3 - That my testimony is flourishing.  Where before I was so timid in sharing my feelings surrounding my testimony I am not afraid to share it now.  I’m not afraid to sit with my kids often and apply our real life hurts to the Gospel.  Granted the boys don’t love it, but I’m hoping that somehow they are soaking s soaking up what we talk about to pull from at a time down the road.

4 - That one day I know I will be able to look back and see that this experience has been the greatest blessing of my life.  While I know if two people work hard in a relationship, and choose love and forgiveness, that God will bless them, but sometimes life just doesn't go as planned. And that God DOES have the backup plan for me. Plan A heartbreakingly didn't work, but thankfully there are 25 more letters in the alphabet! (Hopefully Heavenly Fathers plan will end at plan B!)

5 - I have developed a far deeper love and concern and caring for all of you kids than I ever imagined.  I think I allowed Tracey to “care” for me for so long with my depression following the birth of our youngest, that I let him do a bulk of the parenting and I allowed myself to not be as connected with my kids as I could have been.  Rather than retreating to bed through this trial, I have had to be strong, show up and be there for the kids.  And it feels good to know that I CAN do it.

Miracles? Indeed.

Elder Wirthlin states: "Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome."

OVERCOME PAIN? SADNESS? GRIEF? SORROW? ......YESSSSS! And do you know what else it has done? It has allowed me to really focus on refining my direction back to Heavenly Father. To not give up on the things I know and believe. To have faith that He is lovingly carrying me through this hard time.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way."

Is this happening right now? Nope. But I know one day I will see the beautiful rainbow. I will see that this trial is part of shaping the person that I am to become.

My favorite quote from the talk is "every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

Have I had a lot of tears. More than I care to admit to. And I know more will come. And thinking of each one of those being returned a hundredfold with gratitude and rejoicing one day, truly brings me peace.

Morning Miracle

This morning as I was desperately trying to wake up, which is always a burden after trying to give up the sleep aid in any form and giving in at 12:50am to something to help me sleep, I was blessed to find a little morning miracle.

I was internally fighting with duties to get up and "adult" with the warmth of my bed and of course the "snooze" won out.  8 more glorious minutes of snuggling under the covers. 

In an effort not to fall back to sleep I grabbed my phone and used the "snooze" to catch up on email, etc.  

When I did a quick catch up on Facebook (which thankfully reminded me I am hosting Bunco tomorrow night!), I came across an LDS Conference talk that my lovely oldest posted at some point last night when I was struggling to find sleep. 

So this morning as I was spending my furious and frazzled minutes (hey! Snooze is worth it!), trying to mask over the minimal sleep I had, I listened to the talk "Through Gods Eyes" by Elder Dale G. Renlund of the Quorum of the Twelve Apsotles. 

What a beautiful talk and something I sooooooo needed to be reminded of. 

In the first part of his talk Elder Renlund talks about the fact that "The fulness of the gospel might be proclaimed by the weak and the simple unto the ends of the world."

He then talks about being one of the weak and the simple.  Wow.  If he is weak and simple, I'm not sure there is even a place on the spectrum for me.  But guess what.  Each day I do try my best.  Are some days better than others.  Ummmm....yeah....they are.  But I strive to live each day with my eyes set on the final destination and live a life that will help me get to where I have the potential to be. 

Elder Renlund then states "everyone we serve is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such,..has a divine nature and destiny."

I love this reminder.  I needed it.  Maybe we all do. 

Honestly seeing the good in others is something that is very easy for me to do.  I have been given a gift to see past the icky choices and wandering ways of so many in life....until it comes to someone that has affected me in a personal way.  And then its hard.  

Granted I'm pretty sure that's a normal feeling for any of us. 

I have recognized feelings of hate, anger, "I am better than," "you are so wrong,", jealousy, you name it...all the icky feelings for as long as I can remember.  It goes clear back to my first memory of jealousy at Leila Palmer who had beautiful hair and beautiful hair accessories when we were in the 2nd grade.  I had short boy hair.  I remember anger directed toward the person that sexually molested me as a very young girl.  At resentment at being in a lower middle class income bracket as a youth, and not being able to have the latest and greatest like so many of the people I went to school with.  

And truth is when I have those feelings, when I feel actions of others affect *me*, I kinda tend to not want to see the divinity in that person, but hold that anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. in my back pocket.  Like it's my power over the situation.  And in reality it's a really sucky power that I hold on to, and it does not bring peace.  Because in my heart I KNOW we are all divine.  And myself, just like everyone else on this planet, is not perfect.  We all do stupid shiz.  And Christ still loves us, and of course wants us to make amends and walk his path.  

I know I need to make amends.  I need to let the Atonement of Christ work in my life and let go of the feelings I have that are icky toward others from clear back to childhood, to present day.  To those whom are close to me and those that I have never even met. 

Learning more of the Atonement recently has been such a blessing in my life.  I love studying it from both the victim and perpetrator standpoint.  It's so powerful.  I've been blessed to be introduced to a book called The Promise of the Atonement, Cure for Broken Dreams by Ester Rasband. 

What a beautiful book.  I'm still not finished with it, and it's a really short book!  There is so much offered on each page to contemplate and figure out how to effectively apply to my own life, that I am savoring each lesson and striving to apply it to my own life.  

One of my favorite parts of the book talks about love.  It truly IS a choice.  Something we all have the power to let into our lives, and after learning from pages in this book it's clear to me how important that commandment is.  To love one another.  

In her book Sister Rasband says: “Although all of us struggle with obstacles before accepting the Atonement, it is absolutely necessary to give every effort to eradicating those barriers in our hearts if we are to receive the great blessing of “peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.  Those barriers can only be torn down with love...Without love we are walled up from accepting any part of the Atonement.”

And yeah.  Some days are JUST NOT EASY to love.  And I reach into my back pocket and grip onto the icky feelings and focus on the negative, and natural man in others (knowing full well it rages in myself also), rather than seeing them as Christ does.  

Really.  What good does it do to focus on the negative and things you don't like in others.  To focus on the bad rather than accept and look for and help nurture the good.  It does no good.  At all.  And can even ruin lives.

I love this quote in the talk by Elder Renlund:  "...to effectively serve others we must see them through a parent’s eyes, through Heavenly Father’s eyes. Only then can we begin to comprehend the true worth of a soul. Only then can we sense the love that Heavenly Father has for all of His children. Only then can we sense the Savior’s caring concern for them. We cannot completely fulfill our covenant obligation to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort unless we see them through God’s eyes.3 This expanded perspective will open our hearts to the disappointments, fears, and heartaches of others."

I pray that with Gods help I can let go of the icky feelings I hold in my back pocket and to realize that true power lies in seeing others as He sees us.  And ya know, I guess it's just one day at a time that it takes to learn that as "right" as we think we are and as justified as we feel at keeping our back pockets full, there is a better way.  A more peaceful way.  His way.  And one day I'll get there. 

*Note - please ignore the wonky formatting.  I really am tired.  And I don't want to dig around in the code to fix it.  So it is what it is.  :)

I am Alma *and* Amulek

Sunday at church was one of those great days.  The boy that hates church didn't complain too much - because I gave him free reign of a fine tip sharpie marker and his hand as a canvas, AND it was one of those lessons in Relief Society that was super spot on for me.

Let me back up a bit and say that since the birth of our youngest child, I've been in some funky deep depression.  Getting by as well as I can.  But church has NOT been somewhere that I have found to bring peace to my soul.  So often in my depressive state I would leave feeling worthless, not good enough, substandard, completely imperfect and hopeless at the thought of becoming the person that God knows I have the potential of becoming.

And guess what. I am imperfect.  We all are.  And those imperfections allowed me to believe the other things about myself.  And they are not true.

The talk that our Relief Society lesson was based on yesterday was titled "Learn from Alma and Amulek" which was given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the Priesthood session of General Conference, October 2016.  And it was amazing.

As I listened to the lesson I realized that I have been both Alma and Amulek at times in my life. (They are Book of Mormon Heroes!  Check them out!)  It's kind of hard to even diagnose how these times have arisen in my life, and I realize the degree of my waywardness is so incredibly minor as to what I *could* have done, But needless to say, for many years I spent wandering in the mist.  Not flat out joining the people of the great and spacious building but also not holding tight to the iron rod.

I get that this is totally normal for most people.  Believe me.  I still live it every day - unless I am actively striving to take that deliberate step forward in a positive direction.  But there's a little added piece to all of this that is something that is keeping me on track moving forward.  Cause guess what.  I promised Heavenly Father that I would do all within my power to be an example to others in this life.  I really did!  And that is something that I hope each day as I move forward that I can continue to fulfill.

So let's back up to almost a year ago exactly.  I was so happy.  At perfect peace in my relationship with my husband.  Finding ways of doing service for others.  Loving my church calling.  Seeking truth of the gospel for myself, so that I could share with others with sureness of my feelings of the church.  My testimony has always been a little round about.  For those of you that know the workings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, you know about Patriarchal Blessings.  I love mine.  It's one of the dearest possessions that I have.  I have seen MANY of the promises come to pass, and not just "cookie cutter" promises either.  And I know I have great works ahead of me.

Anyhow, because of my sure knowledge of my Patriarchal Blessing, I know that the power of the Priesthood is true.  And if that's true then Joseph Smith must have been a true prophet, and I have always been able to track my testimony back that way.  Sure I have questions about some early church history shenanigans but I am also realizing more and more that WE ARE ALL HUMAN!  ALLLLL of us make dumb mistakes.  We are here to learn, and if we don't use our gift of agency to figure this stuff out we will never become the potential that God sees in us.

So back to Alma and Amulek.  Last year I *was* a combination of those two.  In March of last year I had an experience that rocked my world.  I thought it was the lowest point that my life would ever encounter.  (Amazing how they can keep being topped!)  But I also am so thankful for what happened because it was the dawn of the true transformation of the person I am becoming today.

While over the next few months I wasn't actively out leading the members of the church or others astray from the teachings, I was questioning liberally.  And rather than leaning on the sure knowledge of the truthfulness of my Patriarchal Blessing I got deeper and deeper into questioning.  Reading things.  Trying to justify my feelings of questioning over the years.

But like Amulek, even though I had grown cold, God was preparing me.  And from my newest lowest point of my life this past fall, I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father than every before.  I have such a sure testimony of his love of each and every one of us.  ALL of us.  And guess what guys - I'm back to share that with anyone that takes the time to read.  I want to be like Amulek.  I want to be a champion of truth!

I have been so humbled over the past three months as I have found myself coming to a place of vulnerability and asking not only Heavenly Father for help but those around me.  Holy cow people...I would not be where I am today if I did not have the little "support twigs" from each and every one of you.

God is so aware of me.  I had repeated confirmation of this TWICE on Monday.  My sweet visiting teacher came over and the message was on Christ's Atonement Is Evidence of Gods Love. Now I gotta admit.  I was blessed to get to hand pick my Visiting Teacher, but my Heavenly Father told me she was the one to serve me so I listened and I asked.  I'm glad I listened.  It's so comforting to have the love and guidance from a woman that could literally be my mother.  Thank you Heavenly Father for her.

Then that evening as we were enjoying Family Home Evening with our FHE neighbors, the 14 year old boy that prepared the lesson - who knows NOTHING about the experiences in life I'm growing from based his lesson on the talk The Master Healer by Carole M. Stephens.  Yeah.  Seriously guys...GOD KNOWS US. (Seriously like woah.  Three things exactly for me in just over 24 hours!)  Of course I sat there tears streaming and yet feeling so loved.  When you rely on Him.  YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.  Freals.

Opening myself to that vulnerability has blessed my life.  I have had beautiful conversations with my kids surrounding the Atonement.  No way two years ago I would have felt comfortable or confident sitting down with my kids having a "real" questioning session of understanding the atonement.  I love that I have my returned missionary to talk with.  I love that she is so loving and understanding and kind to help explain things to me in ways that maybe only those that have immersed themselves in the teachings of Christ for months on end could do. It's not easy to be vulnerable.  But I know I wont regret it either. I wont regret these moments with my children.  Ever.

So the talk by President Uchdorf goes on to talk about finding Amuleks.  Seek to find those who are "unassuming or even invisible within your congregations.  It may be someone who *seems* unwilling or unable to serve.  Your Amuleks may be young or old, men or women, inexperienced, tired or not active in the Church.  But what may not be seen at first sight is that they are hoping to hear from you the worlds 'The Lord needs you!  I need you!'"

I know I am in no way in tune enough to be the Alma seeking out the Amuleks in my life, but I hope to get there.

Even if you have made stupid mistakes, guess what!  There is hope!  There is the wonderful and loving and full encompassing Atonement of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

In the beautiful words of President Uchtdorf, "The Lord sees in you what He saw in Amulek - The potential of a valiant servant with an important work to do and with a testimony to share.  There is service that no one else can give in quite the same way."

I love that I have naturally been given a gift to see the goodness in others.  I've been blessed with that my entire life.  Granted there are some people along the way that it's SUPER hard to do that with.  When they are those that are closest to you and have made choices that affect your life in a painful way.  But that's where I pray every day to be the full potential that God knows I can be. And I pray for them...even the ones that are REALLY icky in my life, because I believe that is how Christ would want me to be.  And I will be a more beautiful person inside of my heart if I can learn to let go of the yuck.

Friends - I am so thankful that I never completely forgot of my testimony of the gospel.  I so look forward to learning more and more and becoming the Daughter of God that I know is inside and so many times I forget really lives in there.

And you?  Each of all y'alls....you are divine so don't forget it!